Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
→ The blonde has the higher sperm count.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says:

- You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

- One day - he begins - I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said:

- Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said:

- You now have 3 wishes.

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said:

- I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked:

- What will be your second wish?

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours!

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear:

- You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?

I looked at her and replied:

- How about a little head?

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend:

- My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells:

- Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!

What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?
→ FIRETRUCK.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
→ It's not hard.

A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport.
After three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him:

- Excuse me, Captain - she says.

- I am doing a survey on human sexuality... I was wondering if you could answer a few questions...

The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him.
After three questions, she asks him:

- ...and when was the last time you had sex?

Straight away the Captain replies:

- 1959.

The girl was shocked. She looks at the captain and asks:

- 1959 isn't that a long time ago?

- Oh - the pilot replies:

- I guess so...but it's only 2015 now...

A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said:

- Clitoris licking frog available.

Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.

Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying:

- Please ring for service

The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter:

- Bonjour madame

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says:

- I need a cigarette.

- But honey - his lover says.

- The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed.

- That's okay - He quips.

- I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue.

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man.

- Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser! - She exclaimed.

She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over.

- What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too. She sticks a quarter up the young man's ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young man's ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise.

- Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!

A midget with a heavy lisp goes to a horse farm to purchase a horse. The owner of the farm takes him through to look at all of his horses. The owner is really getting pissed off.

Finally, the last horse and the midget decided that he really wanted this horse. So he ask the owner if he could lift him up so he could look at the horses eyes. The owner did as the midget asked, and the midget said "Oh my, thse got very pretty eyez".

Then the midget ask if he could lift him up so he could see her teeth, Then the midget said "Oh wow, thse got wonderful teeth. Then the midget ask if he could see her twat. The owner, being very pissed, picked him up, and rammed him in and out of the horse's twat.

The midget looked up at the owner and said. "Oh my, yes she does have a very fine twat, but I guess I thoud have asked to see her gallop."

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman:

- For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said:

- I can see that you have no girlfriend.

- That's true - said Paul.

- Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?

- Yes - Paul shamefully admitted.

- That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?

- Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters.