Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure. The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guy walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks.

The next night the same guy and the same thing happens. The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes outside and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying.

The bartender says:

- O.K. you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.

The cowboy said:

- I told him my privates are bigger than his.

'O.K. but how did you make him cry?'

The cowboy replied:

- I proved it to him.

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said:

- I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.

The second woman said:

- My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.

The third woman was silent until she was asked:

- Tell us about your husband.

She thought for a moment and said:

- My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.

- How so?

- He's got his time down to under 40 seconds.

Your momma is like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale:

- Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

- Look - she said.

- I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.

- You can't make any noise - she warns him.

- My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder.

- I have to go - he says.

- Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom - she replies.

- Use the kitchen sink.

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks...:

- Do you have any toilet paper?

THOR, the God of Love wakes up the morning after the orgy.

As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.

He walks over and says:

- Good morning, I'm THOR!

She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says:

- YOUR THOR...

I'M SO THOR I CAN'T PITH!

There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.

She called it Harrybutt.

She had a child and named in Crack.

She lost Crack and couldn't find him.

So she called the police and said:

- I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldn't find my crack!

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

- That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits - he said:

- Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

- Hey - the husband said:

- let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does.

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

- Now - said the husband with an evil smile:

- tell HIM you have a headache!

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

- Well - he explained - By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

- Well - he explained - By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

- Well - he explained - by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......

What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag)?
→ "'Debbie'... that's cute. What did you name the other one?"