Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

- It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours - Clem recalled.

- That sounds wonderful - said Jed.

- Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

- Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

- Baaaaa...

This lady approaches a priest and tells him:

- Father, I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.

- but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage.

- Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? - they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

What women would do if they had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
11. Get a blow job.
12. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
13. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
14. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
15. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
16. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
17. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
18. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
19. Repeat number 9......

Why can't girls play hockey?
→ Because they have to change their pads every period!

True story: A friend's mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently:

- Gee, officer, did you pull me over to give me a ticket to the policemen's ball?

To that, he replied:

- No ma'am. We're Rangers! We don't have any balls! He continued to write down some information.

After about a half a minute, the ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered:

- Never mind. He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off - no ticket was issued.

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names.

As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations (X = occupied, . = empty):
X......
X.....
X X..
X..
X X.X.X.X
XXX.
X.X
XXX
XXXXXXX
These are only acceptable when significant "privacy" dividers are available. If the urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules

15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
    a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
    b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
    c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
→ She gets her ass chewed out.

This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says:

- I'm sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.

The lady says:

- OK, I'll take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.

The man says:

- Ma-am, we are all out of chocolate.

The little old lady says:

- OK, then I'll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone.

The man, a little more irritated this time says:

- Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla.

The lady says:

- V A N

The man says:

- OK, spell straw as in strawberry.

The lady says:

- S T R A W.

The man says:

- OK, now spell fuck as in chocolate.

The lady says there ain't no fuck in chocolate.

The man says:

- Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along!

A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army. His fiance, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis...

He agrees, and does so.

When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiance and he leaves for Jamaica.

One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him... The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican:

- Wow, that's really interesting, I guess you have a girlfriend named Wendy too?

And the Jamaican looks at him with a puzzled look and then stretches out his penis and it says...:

- Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day!

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinoccio's nose?
→ Tell a lie.