Random joke from this category
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says:
- Father, I never wear panties under my habit.
The priest chuckles and says:
- That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.
Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!
- They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.
- You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.
- They last longer and come with a warranty.
- You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
- They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
- They come in fashion colors.
- You can keep them in maximum zoom.
- They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
- The parts that count are portable.
- They don't mind over-exposure.
- They respond to the slightest touch.
- The one you want is available at a KMART near you
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
→ They both have ornamental balls.
A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed:
- Get the hell away!
Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said:
- Yes!
The man replied:
- Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says:
- Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?
She says:
- Why, officer?
- Because your breast is hanging out.
She looks down and says:
- OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!
How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Three. Two to screw it in, and one to confirm that light began while they were screwing.
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says:
- Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off.
And Sarah says:
- Can you just jack off? I have a headache!
- 17: beer
- 25: bourbon
- 35: vodka
- 48: double vodka
- 66: Maalox
- 17: My parents are away for the weekend.
- 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
- 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.
- 48: My wife is away for the weekend.
- 66: My second wife is dead.
- 17: sex
- 25: sex
- 35: sex
- 48: sex
- 66: napping
- 17: "tongue"
- 25: "breakfast"
- 35: She didn't set back my therapy.
- 48: I didn't have to meet her kids.
- 66: Got home alive.
- 17: getting to third
- 25: airplane sex
- 35: menage a trois
- 48: taking the company public
- 66: Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
- 17: 25
- 25: 35
- 35: 48
- 48: 66
- 66: 17
- 17: Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
- 25: Split the check before we go back to my place
- 35: Just come over.
- 48: Just come over and cook.
- 66: Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
How do you catch a polar bear?
→ You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!
The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.
- First Pupil: I visited my Nana.
- Teacher: Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother.
- Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo.
- Teacher: Please, you had a ride on a train.
- Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time.
- Teacher: Excellent. And what was the name of the book?
- Third Pupil, with a big grin: Winnie The Shit!
