Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

- You know - he says, - I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt.

His friend says:

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

- While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt.

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

- So did anything happen?

- I have some bad news for you - says the friend.

- The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.

- Then what happened? - says the man.

- I don't know. It was too dark to see.

- Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt.

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said:

- What are you doing?

She said:

- I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile.

And the guy responded:

- Pedofile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old!

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

- Show the lady your finest mink! - the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers:

- Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.

- No problem! I'll write you a check!

- Very good, sir. - says the shop owner:

- Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged:

- How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!

- I just had to come by - grinned the guy:

- to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!

Making Coffee

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a Carpet

Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Hanging Wallpaper

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting Up a Tent

Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

Washing a Car

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

Being in Therapy

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Being in a Crash

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going Fishing

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.

- I can't spend eternity like that - says Clinton.

- Show me something else.

Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."

Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.

Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more.

- I can't spend eternity like that, either - says Clinton.

- Show me something better.

Satan takes Bill to the last door.

Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex. Bill smiles.

- Yes! - he shouts.

- that's for me.

Satan smirks and says:

- Good choice, Mr. President.

He looks down at Monica and says:

- You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!

Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"?

Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear:

- Your sister has a tighter pussy than you

and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

A lady approaches her priest and tells him:

- Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

- What do they say? - the priest inquired.

- They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed:

- but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.

- Thank you! - the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say:

- Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. "Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?
→ A Lickalotapuss!

How do you stop a 3 black men from raping a white woman?
→ Throw them a basketball!

What do you call a black priest?
→ Holy Shit!

What do you call a black woman taking birth control pills?
→ A Humanitarian.