Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard:

- Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard:

- Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

- Cindy, you have sinned.

How do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ The joystick's wet.

How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ There's white out on the screen.

How do you know she's been back?
→ There's writing on the white out.

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
→ Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!...but at least the turtle tries to get back up!

When is the best time to fake an orgasm?
→ When a rotteweiler is f**king your leg.

Rejected Hallmark Cards:

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?

You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

- Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant? - he asked.

- That's the elephant's trunk, dear - she replied.

- No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs? - asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied:

- Oh, it's nothing, son.

She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked:

- Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?

- That's the elephant's penis, son - explained the father.

- Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her? - the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied:

- I've spoiled that woman, son!

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.

When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said:

- I must of been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out.

Flo looked at him and smiled:

- That usually happens when you forget to remove my pantyhose!

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says:

- If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.

He grabs her butt and says:

- If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.

The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says:

- And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother.

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.

As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.

The Priest calls the girl and gives her $20 and says:

- Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not proper to walk around without any panties on.

The girl goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the money, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything, walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest hands the lady $1 and says...

- Lady, take this money and for God's sake, go buy yourself a razor!

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
→ So she wouldn't get Hearing Aids.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says:

- Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks:

- What did you do?

The woman says:

- I committed adultery.

The priest says:

- How many times?

And the woman replies:

- Three.

Priest:

- Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says:

- Father forgive me for I have sinned.

- What did you do?

- I committed adultery.

- How many times?

- Three times.

The priest says:

- Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says:

- Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The rabbi says:

- What did you do?

The woman replies:

- I committed adultery.

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says:

- How many times?

The woman replies:

- Once.

The rabbi said:

- Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.