Random joke from this category
Why did the man cross the road?
→ Because his penis told him to.
→ Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
→ So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just can't drive worth shit...)
→ Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
- There might be some matches in the top drawer - she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
- Is this your husband? - he inquired nervously.
- No, silly - she replied, snuggling up to him.
- Your boyfriend then? - he asked.
- No, not at all - she said, nibbling away at his ear.
- Well, who is he then? - demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied:
- That's me before the operation.
A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says:
- What about that little stable over there? What's that for?
- Well - says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarassment:
- you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that there stable, so that when the men get their urges they can --
The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk midsentence:
- PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.
Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon.
- Tell me, is the camel free this afternoon - the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear.
The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative:
- How about I schedule you in for 2:00?
The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel, and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers, and begins, well, making love to the camel.
Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face. As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face.
- Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife:
- Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!
She ignores the remark.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds:
- If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.
This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.
The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.
Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying:
- What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.
The man said:
- But officer this is my wife.
The officer said:
- Oh, I didn't know she was your wife.
The man said:
- Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her.
Excuse me, your fly is unzipped:
Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said:
- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.
Jack chose to climb the ladder.
At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said:
- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.
Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.
At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said:
- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.
Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.
At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged:
- Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.
Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.
At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked:
- Who are you?
To which he replied:
- Oh, I'm Cess!
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"
He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will s**t,
Do I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
