Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

- Honey - she signs:

- Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife:

- Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times

What do snowmen have that snowwomen don't?
→ Snowballs!

What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
→ A little fucker about so tall.

A kid, just getting home from school runs up to his dad:

- Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that can count to ten. Why do you rec'un so?

- Why that's because your from Kentucky son. - The dad responses.

The next day the kid gets home from school:

- Daddy, daddy! I'm the only one in my class that knows all the letters in the alphabet. Why do you rec'un so?

- That's because you're from Kentucky son. - The dad tells him again.

The next day the kid busts through the door:

- Daddy. daddy! I'm the only one in school who has a large penis, is that because I'm from Kentucky?

The dad looks at him and says:

- No that's because you're 22.

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her:

- Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!

and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

- Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.

Joe said:

- There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.

- So then what did make you scream - Bob asked, exasperated.

- Well - Joe continued:

- two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, 'Should we take them home or eat 'em now?'

Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said:

- My mother told me to say no to everything.

- Well - Barry said.

- do you mind if I put my arm around you?

- No - the girl replied.

- Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?

- N-n-no - the girl replied.

- You know - Barry said.

- We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the level about this.

Why can't a ghost have sex??
→ Because he has a hollow weenie!

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells:

- What the fuck are you doing?

- Just giving you an aspirin for your headache - The bloke answered.

- But I ain't got a headache - she yelled back.

- Good then, Lets fuck! - said the bloke.

What is a more macho man?
→ At the critical moment when he can't get it up, he asks the woman:

- Does this happen to you often?