Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
→ Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.

The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.

"No problem," said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.

The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.

Finally, the cheechako staggers out of the cave. "Okay," he said to the guide. "Where's that Indian woman I'm supposed to wrassle!"

A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

- Husband: What the hell are you doing here!

- Repairman: Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!

TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

• 54 times the sheets were clean
• 17 times it was too late
• 49 times you were too tired
• 20 times it was too hot
• 5 times you pretended to be asleep
• 22 times you had a headache
• 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
• 16 times you said you were too sore
• 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
• 19 times you had to get up early
• 9 times you said weren't in the mood
• 7 times you were sunburned
• 6 times you were watching the late show
• 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
• 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
• 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

• 6 times you just laid there,
• 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
• 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
• 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
• and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

• 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
• 36 times you did not come home at all
• 21 times you didn't cum
• 33 times you came too soon
• 19 times you went soft before you got in
• 38 times you worked too late
• 10 times you got cramps in your toes
• 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
• 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
• 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
• 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
• 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
• 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
• 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
• 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was:

- would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room?
→ 100 people that don't do dick!!

What do you call a bull in the middle of a field spanking his monkey?
→ Beef Stroganoff

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks:

- Is your date running late?

- No, - he replies.

- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.

The intrigued woman says:

- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?

- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, - he explains.

- What's it telling you now? - she asked.

- Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. - he said.

The woman giggles and replies:

- Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!

The man explains:

- Damn thing must be an hour fast.

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says, "I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here". The next dog said, "I peed on my masters $1,000 rug". The next dog then comes in and say's, "My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!" "And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says:

- Hey, Dave, how ya doin?

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

- Oh no, - says Dave.

- He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says:

- You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.

- No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.

- Hi Davey, - she says.

- Want your usual table dance?

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says:

- Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.!

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

- Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months - the wife says, - I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

- Then, when I get to work - she continues, - I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore.

- Yes, I see - replies the doctor.

- So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?