Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
→ Fertilized.

How do you know when a nymphomaniac drove your car?
→ The gear shift is wet!!

Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...

- She: Get off of me, will ya!!

- He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?

- She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?

On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.

Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.

When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed to his wife:

- Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?

What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
→ They both have a black box.
→ Both have a cockpit.

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says:

- Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go.

- Good idea - she says.

- While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine.

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk:

- I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please.

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

- Wow, this is great - he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

- Hey - he called - I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

- Yes. Come and join us - they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

- What else do you wild rabbits do? - he asked.

- Well, - one of them said - You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again:

- What else do you do?

- You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

- Is there anything else you guys do? - he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

- There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there - he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.

- They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.

- That was fantastic - he panted.

- So are you going to live with us then? - one of them asked.

- I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.

- Why? We thought you liked it here.

- I do - our friend replied. - But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

- Are you the manager? - she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

- Actually, no, - he replied.

- Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, - she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

- I'm afraid I can't, - breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.

- Is there anything I can do?

- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message, - she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

- Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
11. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
12. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
13. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
14. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
15. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
16. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
17. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
18. Pretend to eat your arm.
19. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.