Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

- Excuse me, miss - said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

- The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.

- What difference does it make? - Joan asked rather calmly.

- No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.

- Not exactly - said the embarrassed man.

- You're lying on the dining room skylight.

A guy walks up to his friend and says:

- why do you have 'R' and 'L' on your hands?

He replies:

- So I know which is my left and which is my right.

"Oh" says the guy "Now I know why my wife has C and A written on her panties!"

Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc.

As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say:

- Wanna.

I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said:

- I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How."

He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said...:

- ME KNOW HOW...

ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!

This guy comes home from work and when he walks into his bedroom, he finds his wife in bed with 3 other men that he works with.

He says:

- hello hello hello

And the wife says:

- what, aren't you talking to me!

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:

- How many people here believe in ghosts?

About 90 students raise their hands.

- Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?

About 40 students raise their hands.

- That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

- That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?

3 students raise their hands.

- That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says:

- Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says:

- Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost.

The student replies:

- Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goats!'

Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. One of them is an Italian, one is Black and the other is Jewish.

They are sitting around drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week and compare.

Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy says:

- I definitely won. I took my wife out to dinner, bought her roses, then took her home and made love to her. She screamed for an hour.

The black guy says:

- Man, that's nothin'. I cooked dinner for my wife, and for dessert I poured honey all over her and made love to her like never before. She screamed for two hours.

The Jewish guy chimes in:

- I got you both beat. I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, pulled out, then wiped my schmeckel on the curtain. She's still screaming!

What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez/Panama Canal?
→ One's a busy ditch.

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
→ Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

- Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

- Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.

- For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

- Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

- Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.

- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

- Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

- Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

- Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

- Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

- It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

- The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls:

- Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly:

- Yes, I have a phone.

The driver of the Yugo said:

- Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says:

- Yes, I have a refrigerator.

The driver of the Yugo said:

- That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied:

- Of course, I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!

The driver of the Yugo said:

- Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night.

It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

- I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce - the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said:

- You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!