Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist.

- Doctor, you must help me - she pleaded.

- It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him.

And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.

- I see - nodded the psychiatrist.

- And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.

- For God's sake, NO! - exclaimed the woman.

- I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward.

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

John receives a phone call.

- Hello - he answers.

The voice on the other end says:

- This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.

- John: Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?

- Susan: Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.

- John: Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?

- Susan: I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself.

- John: Say, you ARE a good sport.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

- You aren't so good in bed either! - he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

- What took you so long to answer?

- I was in bed.

- What were you doing in bed this late?

- Getting a second opinion.

TOP TEN things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
11. Get a blow job.
12. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
13. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
14. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
15. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
16. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
17. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
18. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
19. And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

REPEAT NUMBER 'NINE'.

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
→ Sends him to work.

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.

As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.

- I'm sorry sir, - she said politely - but you have to show your ticket; not your STUB.

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.

His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.

At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.

- I've got a difficult decision - the VP says:

- I either have to Lay You or Jack off.

- Oh? jack-off, - Mary says:

- I've got a headache.

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite, he was really having a difficult time. The kite was swinging wildly, not exactly what you'd describe as stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and says, "Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail." Ralph replies "Make up your goddamn mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies:

- Well, my pet chicken, of course!

- I'm sorry, - The girl tells him.

- We can't allow animals in the cinema.

The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.

She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers:

- Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!

Agnes whispers back:

- Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all.

Madge says:

- I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!