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Knickerless

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires:

- Are you looking at my pussy?

- Yes, I'm sorry - says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

- It's quite alright - replies the woman, - It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you.

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

- I can also make it wink - says the woman.

Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

- Come and sit next to me - suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Joe moves over and is asked:

- Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?

Stunned, Joe replies:

- Good grief! Can it whistle, too?

Bedtime Reading

A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."

She says:

- Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?

He says:

- I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.

Honeymoon Hotel

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband:

- When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?

The husband replied:

- All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked:

- What are you thinking now?

He replied:

- It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

The Kilted Scotsman

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said:

- I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said:

- Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!

So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

- I don't know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!

Shipwrecked With Six Women

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who in a short time were fighting over his attentions.

They held a meeting to resolve the problem and decided that each would have his services on a different day of the week, with Sundays off for him.

In due time the guy was dragging himself through the week, looking forward to Sunday. As he lay on the beach one day he saw a dot floating on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be a man on a raft. With his last ounce of strength he swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant CPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, am I ever glad to see you!"

"Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too" said the raft rider in a swishy way.

With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn, there goes my Sundays!"

Aspirin Remedy

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, ...it's up to you!"

Titanic Lifeboat

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.

They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.

- Social worker: We should give these seats to the children.

- Lawyer: Dont be stupid, fuck the children!

- Catholic priest: Do you really think we've got time?

What's The Difference

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman, and a hooker with diahrrea?
→ Well, one shucks between fits.

What's the difference between a nun and a fat lady?
→ One's tryin to diet, and the other's dyin to try it...

Yo Mama Jackpot

Yo mama's like...:

- Yo mama's like a T.V., even a two-year-old could turn her on.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball. She's picked up, fingered, thrown in the gutter, and then comes back for more.

- Yo mama's like a rifle...four cocks and she's loaded.

- Yo mama's like a bubble gum machine...five cents a blow.

- Yo mama's like Chinese food...sweet, sour, and cheap.

- Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.

- Yo mama's like Burger King... Your way, right away.

- Yo mama's like a squirrel, she's always got some nuts in her mouth.

- Yo mama's like 7-Eleven... open all night, hot to go, and for 89 cents you can get a slurpy.

- Yo mama's like a toilet, fat, white, and smells like shit.

- Yo mama's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.

- Yo mama's like a street lamp, you can find her turned on at night on any street corner.

- Yo mama's like a telephone booth, open to the public, costs a quarter, and guys go in and out all day.

- Yo mama's like a 747, she has a very large cockpit.

- Yo mama's like a microwave, one button and she's hot.

- Yo mama's like speakers, loud, ugly, lives in a box, and you can turn her up, down, on, and off.

- Yo mama's like a mail box, open day and night.

- Yo mama's like a bag of potato chips, "Free-To-Lay."

- Yo mama's like a turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked.

- Yo mama's like a paper towel, she picks up all kinds of slimy wet stuff.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.

- Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.

- Yo mama's like cheap liquor, tastes like shit.

- Yo mama's like an aircraft carrier, has a flat top, a big bottom, cruises up and down the coast, and picks up 100 sailors in every port.

- Yo mama's like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.

- Yo mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her.

- Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.

- Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, something for nothing.

- Yo mama's like Dominoes Pizza, one call does it all.

- Yo mama's like Pizza Hut, if she isn't there in 30 minutes... it's free.

- Yo mama's like Sprint, 10 cents a minute anywhere in the country.

- Yo mama's like a carpenter's dream, flat as a board and easy to nail.

- Yo mama's like a gas station... you gotta pay before you pump.

- Yo mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods.

- Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.

- Yo mama's like a telephone, even a 3 year old can pick her up.

- Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.

- Yo mama's like a dollar bill, she gets handled all across the country.

- Yo mama's like a brick, dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.

- Yo mama's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers.

- Yo mama's like a railroad track, she gets laid all over the country.

- Yo mama's like a screen door, after a couple of bangs she loosens up.

- Yo mama's like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.

- Yo mama's like a Toyota, "OOooh what a feeling!"

- Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... a real good suck.

- Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner... she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in the closet.

- Yo mama's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick.

- Yo mama's like the Panama Canal, vessels full of seamen pass through her everyday.

- Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone puts their meat in her.

- Yo mama's like cake mix, 15 servings per package!

- Yo mama's like an elevator, guys go up and down on her all day.

- Yo mama's like Denny's... open 24 hours.

- Yo mama's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served.

- Yo mama's like McDonalds... What you want is what you get.

- Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

- Yo mama's like the Pillsbury dough boy... everybody pokes her.

- Yo mama's like lettuce, $1 a head.

- Yo mama's like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw.

- Your momma is so fat... the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs!

- Yo momma is so ugly, she entered and ugly contest and one of the judges said "Sorry... No proffessionals allowed!!!"

- Yo momma's so fat, when the lord said "Let There Be Light", he had to ask her to move over!

- Yo mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles, people SLOW DOWN!

- Yo mama is so fat, she walked into a resturant took one look at the menu and said, "yes please!"

- Yo momma so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!

- Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at Sea World!

- Whenever your mamma farts, she causes a continental drift!

- Yo momma's so fat even if she was the last person alive, the world would still be over populated!

-1 points
0

Ebonics Homework

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.

  1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.
  2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.
  3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.
  4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.
  5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.
  6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.
  7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.
  8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.
  9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.
  10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI.
  11. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.
  12. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.
  13. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?
  14. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.
  15. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.