Dirty Jokes — most viewed jokes

These two guys go to a whorehouse.

The first guy goes in then comes out and says:

- My wife is better.

The second guy goes in then comes out and says:

- You know what? Your wife IS better.

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.

- So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.

- That's very interesting, - replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.

- So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.

- That's very interesting, - replies the researcher.

- That's how they do it in Cornwall too. And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.

- So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?

- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.

- Over your shoulders? - replies the researcher.

- Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?

- What? - says the farmer.

- And miss out on all the kissing?!

Cop coming upon a young couple making out....

- Cop: What the hell are you two doing?

- Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

There was this little boy who went in the whore house with a dead frog on a leash. He went to the counter and asked the pimp for a whore with aids, the man knew he was young but the boy said:

- please mister, just give me a whore with aids, i have money thats no problem - the man was like ok:

- if you have the money.

So the boy went in and fucked the whore and came out smiling to the man at the counter. The guy didn't understnad why he was so happy.

- its a long story - the boy said.

- tell me, i can wait - hte man said impaciently.

- ok - the boy says:

- i have aids now right? well--i'll go home and screw the babysitter...she'll get aids, then my dad will come homw and screw her...he'll get aids, my dad will screw my mom...she'll get aids.

Then my mom will then screw the milk man.....and he's the son of a bitch that ran over my frog!

The hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance.

His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says:

- Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin.

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there his father says:

- Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon.

The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says:

- Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!!!!

- Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!

Why can't Frankenstein have children?
→ Because his nuts are on his neck.

Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says:

- Earthling take me to your leader!

He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again:

- Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!

Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says:

- If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!

The second Alien replies:

- O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block.

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time:

- Earthling take me to your leader!

No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.

He then says to the second Alien:

- If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?

The second replies:

- I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!