Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None, that's a hardware problem.

- Would you like to buy a second-hand computer?

- I'm afraid not. I'm only able to type with one hand as it is.

What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
→ A mad scientist.

Signs Your Partner Is Addicted to Internet Porn:

• During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.
• His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
• When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."
• Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."
• He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
• Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.
• When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."
• You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
• As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
• During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"
• His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
→ The joystick is wet.

What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger?
→ A big mac.

• Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
• Fetch command not available on all platforms.
• Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
• Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
• Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
• Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
• Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
• Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
• Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
• Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
• Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
• Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
• Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
• Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
• SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
• SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
• Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
• Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
• Too Hard To Type With Paws.

What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs?
→ A thyme machine.

Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?
→ Click Turpin