Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on?

- Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.

In Heaven:

• The cooks are French
• The policemen are English
• The mechanics are German
• The lovers are Italian
• The bankers are Swiss

In Hell:

• The cooks are English
• The policemen are German
• The mechanics are French
• The lovers are Swiss
• The bankers are Italian

In Computer Heaven:

• The management is from Intel
• The design and construction is done by Apple
• The marketing is done by Microsoft
• IBM provides the support
• Gateway determines the pricing

In Computer Hell:

• The management is from Apple
• Microsoft does design and construction
• IBM handles the marketing
• The support is from Gateway
• Intel sets the price

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of1901.

Which kind of ink do you put in your computer's printer?

- Black, Red or Iced?

- Iced Ink?

- Well, yes you do, but I didn't want to mention it.

Complete the following word analogy:

Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above
→ Number 4.

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.

The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup.

Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, "don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor".

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, "no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem".

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, "its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine."

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was... "Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!"

E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

• Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
• Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
• Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
• Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
• Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
• Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
• Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
• Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
• Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

What is the biggest oxymoron of the 1990's?
→ Microsoft Works!

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee:

- Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- What sort of trouble?

- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Went away?

- They disappeared.

- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- How do I tell?

- Can you see the c:\prompt on the screen?

- What's a sea-prompt?

- Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- What's a monitor?

- It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- I don't know.

- Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

- Yes, I think so.

- Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

- Yes, it is.

- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- No.

- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

- Okay, here it is.

- Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- I can't reach.

- Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?

- No

- Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.

- Dark?

- Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Well, turn on the office light then.

- I can't.

- No? Why not?

- Because there's a power outage.

- A power....

A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?

- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Really? Is it that bad?

- Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!