Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

You might be an Internet addict if...

• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
• Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
• Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com".
• Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
• You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
• Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
• You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
• You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
• Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
• You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
• You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
• The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
• As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot.
In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, ..."

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

Why didn't the mouse cross the road?
→ It's cord wasn't long enough!

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

- Patron: Waiter!

- Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

- Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

- Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

- Patron: No, it's still there.

- Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

- Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

- Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

- Patron: A SOUP bowl!

- Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

- Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

- Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

- Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

- Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

- Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

- Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

- Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

- Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

- Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

- Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

- Patron: This is potato soup.

- Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

- Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

- Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

• Soup of the Day ........... $5.00
• Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day ........ $2.50
• Access to support ........... $1.00

How do you know if you are a geek?
→ Your computer cost $6,000 and your car cost $500.00

If IBM made toasters ...

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters ...

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters ...

It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

If Xerox made toasters ...

You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters ...

The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Oracle made toasters ...

They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters ...

The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...

They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...

It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If Sony made toasters ...

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Fisher Price made toasters ...

"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters ...

Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

- Patron: Waiter!

- Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support waiter.

- Waiter: What seems to be the problem?

- Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

- Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

- Patron: No, it's still there.

- Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

- Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

- Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

- Patron: A SOUP bowl!

- Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

- Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

- Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

- Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

- Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

- Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

- Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

- Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

- Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

- Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now!

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

- Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

- Patron: This is potato soup.

- Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

- Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

- Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

• Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
• Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
• Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.