Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

• The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
• The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
• The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
• The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
• AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
• Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
• The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
• The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
• Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
• If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
• The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
• AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
• AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
• Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
• It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
• AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
• Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
• It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
• AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
• AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
• Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?
→ The Netcracker suite.

How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. They try to fix the old one.

"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"

Which football team to you need to connect up your computer?
→ Leeds.

When do computers go to sleep?
→ When it's internight.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Microsoft Barbie ...

Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head

- Customer: How do I print my voicemail?

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me: "I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS."

- Customer: I think I've got a bug in my computer.

- Repairman: Does your computer make a humming noise?

- Customer: Yes.

- Repairman: Then it must be a humbug!

A Engineer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Engineer leans over to the Programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Engineer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."

Again, the Programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Engineer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Programmer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Engineer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Programmer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Engineer.

Now, it's the Programmer's turn. He asks the Engineer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Engineer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Programmer and hands him $50. The Programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Engineer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Programmer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the Engineer a $5 bill, and turns away to get back to sleep.