Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

Comments made by Programmers when their programs don't work:

• Strange...
• I've never heard about that.
• It did work yesterday.
• Well, the program needs some fixing.
• How is this possible?
• The machine seems to be broken.
• Has the operating system been updated?
• The user has made an error again.
• There is something wrong in your test data.
• I have not touched that module!
• Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
• You must have the wrong executable.
• Oh, it's just a feature.
• I'm almost ready.
• Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
• It will be done in no time at all.
• It's just some unlucky coincidence.
• I can't test everything!
• THIS can't do THAT.
• Didn't I fix it already?
• It's already there, but it has not been tested.
• It works, but it's not been tested.
• Somebody must have changed my code.
• There must be a virus in the application software.
• Even though it does not work, how does it feel?
• How come you didn't find it during the system testing?
• It's a setup problem.

And the Ultimate:
A smart user would never do that!

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
→ It slipped a disk.

What's the best way to accelerate a Mac?
→ 9.81 m/s2

ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy-----for a year!!!!!
2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
3. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ......instead of ICU!
5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer...or put it in the bathroom.
7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.
8. Tech support calls YOU for help.
9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."
10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
12. You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.
15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for awhile.
18. You say....... "Where did the time go??"
19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.
20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......
22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.
23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this.... "BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL... ASAP".
24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and kisses.
25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.
26. You're on the phone and say "BRB".
27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.
28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

Why is a modem better than a woman?
→ A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.

Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
→ Because it is below C level.

Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me...
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My Dad told me he's gay,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane, crash landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please....

DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!

AMEN

A programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor.
So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for the Enter....

How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
→ You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

• You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"
• Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again
• Your phone bill is delivered in a box
• You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom
• All of your friends have an @ in their names
• You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't have a job.
• You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape3.01"
• You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet
• You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)
• Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat
• As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button
• Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.