Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer?
→ Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.

This is not believed to be a coincidence.

Where is the best place to buy computer software?
→ Washington C.D

- Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- What sort of trouble?

- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Went away?

- They disappeared.

- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- How do I tell?

- Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

- What's a sea-prompt?

- Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- What's a monitor?

- It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- I don't know.

- Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

- Yes, I think so.

- Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

- ... ... Yes, it is.

- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- No.

- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

- ... ... Okay, here it is.

- Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- I can't reach.

- Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

- No.

- Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.

- Dark?

- Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Well, turn on the office light then.

- I can't.

- No? Why not?

- Because there's a power outage.

- A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Really? Is it that bad?

- Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

Many people in computer labs will assure you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were doing everything correctly, and it still wasn't working, only to make you get up from your nice comfy seat to walk over to the other side of the room and do it yourself. Invariably, after it works the first time for you, the response is, "THAT'S WHAT I TYPED THE FIRST TIME!" Obviously not.

How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
→ He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.

Got this email from a friend:

CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

Who sits on Cinderella's keyboard?
→ Buttons.

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back:
"Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."