Celebrities — most viewed jokes

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a demagogue.

When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.

When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear annihilation.

When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan had nothing to do with it.

Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...

...what kind of fool am I?

Jules Feiffer

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."

This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife?
→ Hey pal, mind if I cut in?

What's the difference between Elton John and Princess Diana?
→ One's composing, the other is decomposing.

Did you know that Mike Tyson has an upcoming bout with Prince Charles?
→ It seems that no-one else has big enough ears to go 12 rounds.

Just before takeoff one day, a flight attendant approached Muhammad Ali and asked that he fasten his seat belt. "Superman don't need no seat belt," Ali growled. "Well, Superman," the stewardess replied, "don't need no airplane!"

Who does Michael Jackson consider a Perfect "10"?
→ Two 5 year olds.

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy's mind, sat him and said: "God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white."

To which the child responded, "Well, then is God Michael Jackson?"

Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?" Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, he looks much worse". Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God, you look terrible."

Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver."

Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?"

"No, I'm Mother Theresa."