Celebrities — most viewed jokes

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to show him a trick. "I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife Claudia and a table." "Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.

He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts fucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, "That isn't a trick!!!"

The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies, "I know, it's fucking magic."

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
→ The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out

Experts say that although Frank Sinatra is dead, his act is still 150% more entertaining than Frank Sinatra Jr.'s.

• "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford
• "My fellow astronauts..."--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
• "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.
• "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
• "I stand by all the misstatements."--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
• "Gerald Ford was a Communist"--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
• "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
• "We found the term 'killing' too broad."--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
• "This is a great day for France!"--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
• "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
• "It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."--James Baker, televangelist.
• "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
• "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
• "What he does on his own time is up to him."--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.
• "Facts are stupid things."--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

What does Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common?
→ They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.

What's stiff and excites women?
→ Elvis Presley.

Frank Sinatra, "Old Blue Eyes," has died.

Frank will now be known as "Old Closed Eyes."

What do you call a man with a blackhead on his dick?
→ Hugh Grant.

What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
→ They both live off dead Beatles.