Celebrities — most viewed jokes

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"

St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:

• Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill
• She sucks
• She blows
• She's bloated
• She's the focus of a huge legal battle
• She'll go down in a heartbeat

Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave, who had only one feather in his headdress, "Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?" His reply was, "Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather." She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!" With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said, "No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer!"

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.

After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
→ 1 U.S. leader

What's the new documentary about Madonna going to be called?
→ Missionary Position Impossible.

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.

- Shit, said the driver to his passenger. What kind of bug was that?

- Dunno, he replied. But did you see the size of the cock on it?!

Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
→ Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

Did you hear the latest theory about Monica Lewinsky?
→ It may never be proven but they think she may be the youngest woman to have ever held the Presidency.

Mike Tyson gets out of jail and proceeds to do what he does best... find a woman with whom he may "commiserate". After a wild night of getting it on, it's time for the young lady to leave. As she's getting dressed, she and Mike are having a conversation. She says, "Lotsa guys want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?" Mike thinks for a moment and says, "What the hell, give me the good news." She tells him, "The good news is that you're bigger than Magic Johnson."