Celebrities — most viewed jokes

Bill Clinton is writing his memoirs.

They're called "The Johnson Years".

Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers?
→ She heard he was a cowpuncher!

Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
→ Bill Clinton of course!

Why was George Washington buried at Mount Vernon?
→ Because he was dead!

What do you get if you cross a toilet with a pop singer?
→ Loo-Loo!

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey

Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of Blessington

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette Davis

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin Disraeli

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. - Isadora Duncan

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. - Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley On Making A Will", 1919

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. - Benjamin Franklin

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. - Bruce Friedman

Choose a wife by your ear than your eye. - Thomas Fuller, 1732

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Goethe

Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. - Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married

When Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said, "George, I'm so unhappy! Our darling's now completely frappe!" - Graham

If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. - Robert Graves

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.
"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands full."
"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs."
"Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!"
"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir."
"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary."
The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade."

How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
→ He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
→ To meet the chick.

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant! She is furious. Here just became the senator of New York and this has happened to her.
She gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this!
I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"