Celebrities — most viewed jokes

How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
→ He never had to date one.

Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?
→ Because it's all play.

How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O'Neal?
→ They're both famous for stuffing baskets!

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared.

Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...not these days...

I'm only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So...what'll be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but I'm not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. So make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They think she's a real witch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want!"

The Genie thought for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Lemme see that map again."

Here's Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide for Rednecks!

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.

Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran

Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinley

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. - H.L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. Mencken

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. Mencken

Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. Mencken

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. - H. L. Mencken

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr. Karl Menninger

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - Moliere

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Montaigne

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - Nietzsche

Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. - Neitzsche

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'Rourke

No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare Pavese

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's Almanac

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. - Rogers

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen Rowland

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. - Helen Rowland

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. - Helen Rowland

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified Ad

Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb

- I've been e-mailing William Shakespeare.

- William Shakespeare's dead, silly.

- No wonder he hasn't replied.

- What are you doing?

- I'm trying to call Washington!

- Oh, haven't you heard? He's dead!

From David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
11. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
12. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
13. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
14. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
15. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
16. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
17. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
18. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
19. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.

What's the definition of a good actor?
→ Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.