Celebrities — most viewed jokes

- Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day.

- Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?

- Fred: Well, every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he went to the window and took a bow.

How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
→ He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

• "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton
• "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne
• "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." - Rita Rudner
• "He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant" - Carol Leifer
• "I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman
• "I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne
• "I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT?" - Wendy Liebman
• "I think-therefore I'm single" - Lizz Winstead
• "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." - Hedy Lamarr
• "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." - Elayne Boosler
• "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." - Gilda Radner
• "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson
• "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." - Bella Abzug
• "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." - Margaret Thatcher
• "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." - Gloria Steinem
• "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." - Gloria Steinem
• "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn
• "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." - Marie Corelli
• "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" - Linda Ellerbee
• "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Does it have to be a light bulb?
I've got this neat candle holder...

Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
→ He gives them runs!

How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.
Abe replied, "Go to the theater."

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"

Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!

A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in Disneyland produced some strange results.

Mickey Mouse like Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.

Donald Duck likes Dr. Pepper, while Daisy prefers RootBeer.

Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.

But Snow White adores 7up.