Celebrities — most viewed jokes

How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.

John Bobbit Virus--Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

Oprah Winfrey Virus--Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.

Politically Correct Virus--Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

Right to Life Virus--Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Government Economist Virus--Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus--Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

AT&T Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus-- Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

Sprint Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you that it's better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

PBS Virus--Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Health Care Virus--Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

New York Jets Virus--Makes your Pentium II 266 MHz computer perform like a 12 MHz 286 computer.

LAPD Virus--It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

O.J. Virus--Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Ross Perot Virus--Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Ted Turner Virus--Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Dan Quayle Virus--Their is sumthing rong wit your're komputer, we jsut can't figyour out watt.

One agent stops by another agent's table to tell him the big news: "Elvis just died!"

The second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. "Good career move."

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well," one of the officer's says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...
"My agent came to my house?"

How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney's stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, I'm going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climbed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again.

"What's the matter?" asked the director.

"I can't jump from that board!" said the actor. "Do you know there's only one foot of water in that pool?"

"Yes," said the director. "We don't want you to drown, you know."

- Neighbour: Haven't I seen you on TV?

- Actor: Well, I do appear, on and off, you know. How do you like me?

- Neighbour: Off.

If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
→ The United States of America!

What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas?
→ Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.