At Work — most viewed jokes

A guy walks in to the Barbershop.
Barber says, "What will it be today?" Guy says, "well I want it going with my waves on top, faded on one side, plug the other, and just make it all out of shape and messed up." Barber says, "Now why in the world do you want your hair cut like that."

Guy says, "That's how you cut it last time"

A man works in the operations department of a large bank. Employees call him from the field when they have problems with their computers. One night a blonde woman from a branch bank called him and said, "I've got smoke coming from the back of my computer terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

- Good Afternoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?

- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- What sort of trouble?

- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Went away?

- They disappeared.

- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- How do I tell?

- Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?

- What's a sea-prompt?

- Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- What's a monitor?

- It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- I don't know.

- Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?......

- Yes, I think so.

- Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.......

- Yes, it is.

- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- No.

- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.......

- Okay, here it is.

- Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- I can't reach.

- Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

- No.

- Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.

- Dark?

- Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Well, turn on the office light then.

- I can't.

- No? Why not?

- Because there's a power outage.

- A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Really? Is it that bad?

- Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!

The top signs that you have a boring job:

• You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".
• You have visited every website in the world.
• You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
• You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
• You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
• Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
• You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.
• Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
• In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.

"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then?"

"What and ruin my vacation?" she whined.

- I want a hair cut please.

- Certainly, which one!

Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill.
Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...

Darn!
There goes another one!"

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

Why did the man put a clock under his desk?
→ He wanted to work overtime.