At Work — most viewed jokes

Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks?
→ So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.

Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."

Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH? Really? Were you???"

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

If the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, how did the barbers arrive?
→ On clipper ships.

How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None - They just have a nursing assistant do it.

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
→ They never get a job!

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?

"I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.