At Work — most viewed jokes

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.

When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy."
"How?" asked Joe.
"Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!

"HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions.

"Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.

Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.

Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.

About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.

"Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried.

"Hell yes, I remember!" Said the devil.

"Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS." God exclaimed!

"I'll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!" said the devil.

"Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!!" shouted God!!

"And just where do you think you'll get an attorney?" replied the devil!!!!!

Why did your brother give up his job in the biscuit factory?
→ Because he went crackers.

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)

Print it out and hang it over your work station...

I dare ya!

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Rules To Live By...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.
However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

- Customer: Why doesn't my hairline look good?

- Barber: It's on the same old head.