At Work — most viewed jokes

- Customer: Why did you take off so much hair?

- Barber: I didn't, nature beat me to it.

What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?
→ The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...

• Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
• No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
• Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
• Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
• Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
• Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
• Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
• Embalming fluid bottle looks an awful lot like Colt 45 bottle.
• Toe tag paper cuts.
• The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
• Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
• Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs us money.
• At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
• Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

...and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...

Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object.

"What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked.

"It's a thermos," Mikey replied.

"What does it do?" they asked.

"Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"What do ya got in it?"

To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

An honest weatherman says, "Today's forecast is bright and sunny with an 80% chance that I'm wrong."

When do burgers quit their jobs?
→ The day they decide to meat LOAF!

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

- Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

- Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

- Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

- Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application.

As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the lady.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Well," says the woman as she pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter!"

Why do barbers make good drivers?
→ Because they know all the short cuts.