Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts:

- Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender:

- Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

- A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Why do mice have long tails ?
→ Well, they'd look silly with long hair !

What do you call a rich frog ?
→ A golf blooded reptile !

- Will I ever be able to race my horse again - the owner asked the vet.

The vet replied:

- You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks:

- Dad, am I pure polar bear? - The dad replies - Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.

Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks:

- Mom, am I pure polar bear? - She answers - Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear.

Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks:

- Grandmom... Grandpop... am I all polar bear? - His grandmother answers - Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?

The baby polar bears replies:

- Because I'm f****** freezing!

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:

- Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

- I sure did - responded the pessimist.

- He can't swim.

A frog walks into a bank and says:

- I wanna loan.

- Well Mr. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black's desk, she is the loan manager, I'm sure she will be happy to talk to you - The head desk says.

The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black's desk and says, "I wanna loan." Mrs. Black says, "Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to sign, so if you will wait right here..." At this point the frog pulls out of his knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her. She asks, confused, "What is this?" The frog croaks back, "I wanna loan."

She rubs her head, and walks back to her boss and says:

- I don't get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me this golden disk. Do you know what it is?

The boss laughs and says:

- It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!

Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was dead.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
→ GROUND BEEF!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
→ No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
→ Still no eye deer.