Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.

All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.

He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say:

- no. Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says:

- Remember me?

The elephant nods yes.

The man then holds up his bat and says:

- Want me to use this again? The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said:

- WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!

The sister said:

- Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.

The man said:

- But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.

The sister said:

- Oh, ok.

The Sister took the fish back home and said:

- Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.

Shocked, the Mother Superior said:

- Sister, you know better than that.

The nun said:

- That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.

So the Mother Superior said:

- Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said:

- Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said:

- Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!

Mother Superior said:

- But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.

Monsignor said:

- Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said:

- Wow, what a nice fish.

In reply, the sister said:

- Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.

And Mother Superior said:

- I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.

And Monsignor said:

- I cooked the Gauddam Fish.

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

- I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!

A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a larger object. After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge.

After several seconds, a goat tears across the yard and without any hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stand in amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is looking for a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well.

- That couldn't be my goat - the farmer replies:

- My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroad tie!

- Doctor, Doctor. Have you got anything that will cure fleas?

- Maybe, what made them sick?

What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode?
→ What a lavaly day!

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says:

- Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down.

She exclaims:

- I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies:

- Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.

When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.

This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.

It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.

The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said...

- Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.

How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ?
→ They sit eggsaminations !

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

- Wow, this is great - he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

- Hey - he called - I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

- Yes. Come and join us - they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

- What else do you wild rabbits do? - he asked.

- Well, - one of them said - You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again:

- What else do you do?

- You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

- Is there anything else you guys do? - he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

- There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there - he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.

- They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.

- That was fantastic - he panted.

- So are you going to live with us then? - one of them asked.

- I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.

- Why? We thought you liked it here.

- I do - our friend replied. - But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette!

What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben?
→ He found time-consuming.