Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the witch who fed her pet vulture on sawdust?
→ The vulture laid ten eggs and when they hatched, nine chicks had wooden legs and the tenth was a woodpecker.

As horses say to one another.
Any friend of yours is a palomino!

What do you call a bull in the middle of a field spanking his monkey?
→ Beef Stroganoff

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says, "I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here". The next dog said, "I peed on my masters $1,000 rug". The next dog then comes in and say's, "My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!" "And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

Why do aardvarks make undesirable neighbors?
→ Because they always have their noses in other people's business!

What goes hum-choo, hum choo?
→ A bee with a cold !

One lab mouse to another:

- I've trained that crazy human at last.

- How have you done that?

- I don't know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.

What do bees do if they want to use public transport ?
→ Wait at a buzz stop !

10 reasons why a dog doesn't use a computer:

10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It's hard to type with paws)
11. 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question.
12. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
13. Carpal Paw Syndrome.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites.
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you've got mail'.
17. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.
18. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
19. Can't stick his head out of Windows XP.

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move.

- These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore! - bellows the farmer.

With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely.

- These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them! - yells the farmer.

With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied.

- Worthless sheep! - screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist.

- Are you okay down there? - asked the farmer.

- NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!! - the tourist yelled back.