Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
→ Because of all the cheetahs.

A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster & killed it.

He decided that he should go & tell the farmer, so he got out of his car & walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door & knocked, the farmer came to the door & the man said:

- I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him.

The farmer said:

- Help yourself, the hens are out in the back.

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer:

- What do you use to feed your pigs?

- Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?

- Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes.

Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered:

- Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?

- Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat.

And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question.
The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes:

- Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want.

What's the difference between an English Sheepherder and Mick Jagger?
→ Mick Jagger sings:

- Hey, Hey, you, you, get off of my cloud.

An English sheepherder says:

- Hey, Hey MacCloud! Get off of my ewe!

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

- Why did you do that? - the giraffe asks.

- When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason - the elephant replied.

- Wow! You must have a good memory! - exclaimed the giraffe.

- Yep! - said the elephant.

- I've got Turtle-Recall.

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat.

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.

The Barman was curious about this and said:

- I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?

The man replied:

- I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish.

- What did you wish for? - said the Barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside:

- You skin this one while I go and get another!

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says:

- Mummy, what is that long thing?

His mother replies:

- That, son, is the elephant's trunk.

- No, at the other end.

- That, son is the tail.

- No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.

A short embarrassed silence after which she replies:

- That's nothing.

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

- Daddy, what is that long thing?

- That's the trunk, son - replies the father.

- No at the other end.

- Oh, that is the tail.

- No, no daddy, the thing below - asks the son in desperation.

- That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?

- Well mummy said it was nothing - says the boy.

- I tell you, I spoil that woman ... - replies the father.

What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender?
→ Rhesus Pieces.