Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says:

- You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud.

So the farmer takes him home and says:

- It's your first day so take it slow, okay?

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says:

- Roy, did you have to die?

Roy says:

- Quiet! They're about to land!

Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.

She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer:

- if I can guess how many sheep in you're flock will you give me a sheep.

The farmer says:

- OK.

The brunette says:

- 485.

The farmer says:

- that's right but if I can guess you're natural hair color can I have my sheep back.

The brunette says:

- OK.

The farmer says:

- blonde.

The brunette says how did you know.

The farmer says you just picked the dog.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
→ Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
→ Tyrannosaurus wrecks!

Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat?
→ Mom! I see an angel.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
→ Ground beef.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He sidles up to the bar and announces:

- I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog?
→ A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.

A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. They both go up to the barstool and sit down. The owner orders two beers. The bartendar just frowns and says:

- Look buddy, we can't have any dogs sitting up at the bar.

The owner retorts:

- But this is no ordinary dog.

The bartendar doesn't budge from his stance and tells the guy to leave.

The owner protests:

- Look, this is no ordinary dog. This is a talking dog.

The bartendar says:

- Yeah right buddy. Okay, why don't you and your talking dog leave the bar?

The owner says:

- Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll go into the bathroom and take a leak. You can talk to my dog while I go. If you still want us to leave when I get back, we will.

So the owner leaves. And the dog and the bartendar start talking it up like they are long lost friends. The bartendar starts to really like this dog. There talking about sports and beer and women. So the bartendar comes up with an idea. He turns to the dog and says:

- Look, I have a friend who owns the bar across the street. If I give you $20 will you go into the bar and order a beer from him?

The dog says:

- No problem, and gets up and leaves.

The owner comes back and ask where his dog is. The bartenday explains about the joke. So the owner leaves to get his dog.

Right out of the bar, the owner sees his dog humping another lady dog. And the owner says:

- Hey, get off of her. Why have I never seen you doing this before?

To which the dog replies:

- Because I have never had $20 before.