Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice:

- Pssst you come over here!

He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound.

- yes over here! - Said the greyhound

- Look at me I'm tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?

The man thought to himself:

- Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings

So he goes in search of the owner.

He found the owner and said:

- I'd like to buy your dog, is he for sale??

The owner says:

- No mate you don't want that old moth eaten thing!

- But I do! - Insisted the man

- I'lll give you 1000 pounds for him.

- Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!

Handing over the money the man said:

- Why do you think that?

The man replied:

- Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's life!

Why did King Kong join the army?
→ To learn about gorilla warfare.

It was spring in the old west.

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

- Hold on there, partner - said the snake

- don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:

- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.

The rattlesnake said:

- All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted:

- Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

What do you call a frog with no hind legs?
→ Unhoppy!!

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00".

She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"

"Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it."

How bad could it be?, the woman thought.

Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.

The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!"

"Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad."

Then the woman's two daughters came home from school.

"Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!"

Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work.

"Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?
→ Damn

A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.

Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.

A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.

Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.

Before reaching the door, the bartender yells:

- Hey Pig...aren't you going to pee on the floor like the others?

To which the pig replies:

- No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE - all the way home!

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

Ever hear about the blonde coyote who got a leg stuck in a trap - she chewed off three legs and was still stuck!

- Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?

- It's fly soup sir!