Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

- I'd like a new frog, please.

- But you bought one only yesterday. What happened?

- It Kermit-ted suicide.

There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.

One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them:

- How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?

The bulls replied:

- We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies:

- Well, my pet chicken, of course!

- I'm sorry, - The girl tells him.

- We can't allow animals in the cinema.

The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.

She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers:

- Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!

Agnes whispers back:

- Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all.

Madge says:

- I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!

- Will I ever be able to race my horse again - the owner asked the vet.

The vet replied:

- You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular:

- I guess we answered that question.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West.
4. During each traverse

• a. Catch each animal seen
• b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
• c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

- Yes - the pet store owner said.

- this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.

- That's to be expected - said the pet shop owner.

- Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you.

Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking.

- I see - said the pet shop owner.

- Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it.

A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened.

- Still no luck? - asked the store owner.

- No. Nothing said yet - answered the bird's owner.

- Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop.

- What? You want me to buy another bird!?! - yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

- No, no, calm down - reassured the store owner.

- All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned ... this time with the parrot, only it was dead!

- What happened? - asked the store owner.

- Didn't the bird ever talk?

- Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.

- Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal - the salesman said.

- What makes him so special? - the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."

So the man asked:

- What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?

- Well I don't know - answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing:

- Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...

- We're going to play elephants and circuses - said a little boy at kindergarten.

- Do you want to join in?

- I'd love to - replied the teacher.

- What do you want me to do?

- You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts!