Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore?
→ Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)

Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the "lesser of two weevils."

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students.

What's the difference between a very old, shaggy Yeti and a dead bee?
→ One's a seedy beast and the other's a deceased bee.

There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.

So the Englishman sets off, but he only gets half way.

Then the Scotsman sets off, and he only gets half way too.

But the Chinise guy manages to get all the way across the desert.

The Englishman and the Scottsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?

- Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy's willy

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says:

- Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk:

- Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun - the farmer ended with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says:

- Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says:

- SHHHH, they're getting closer...

Why were the vets and pounds mad?
→ It was raining cats and dogs

- Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!

- What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow:

- What the heck are you doing down there?

And the fellow shouts back:

- Yoga!

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced:

- You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted:

- Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!