Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

A new lieutenent in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him quarters, he asks the corporal, "The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship?"

The corporal replies, "On Fridays, they let us use the camels."

The lieutentent is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't he.

The next friday, the young lieutentent slinks over to the camel pens and, after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar.

The same corporal comes in to investigate. "Lieutenent! What are you doing."

"Come on man," replied the embarrased officer, "You yourself told me we could use the camels on Fridays."

"Yes sir," replied the corporal. "But most of us just ride them into town."

What does a bee get at McDonalds?
→ A humburger!

What buzzes, is black and yellow and goes along the bottom of the sea?
→ A bee in a submarine!

What's more dangerous than being with a fool?
→ Fooling with a bee!

What did the spider say to the bee?
→ Your honey or your life!

Who is a bee's favorite painter?
→ Pablo Beecasso!

What did the bee to the other bee in summer?
→ Swarm here isn't it!

What is a bee's favorite classical music composer?
→ Bee-thoven!

Who writes books for little bees?
→ Bee-trix Potter!

Where do bees go on holiday?
→ Stingapore!

What do you call a bee who's had a spell put on him?
→ He's bee-witched!

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.

The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, "What can your dog do?".

The Teamster called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
→ Fry-day!

What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
→ It eggs-plodes!

Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
→ He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!

Is chicken soup good for your health?
→ Not if you're the chicken!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To get to the other side!

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
→ "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!"

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
→ Because he was a dirty double-crosser!

Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road?
→ Because he didn't have enough guts!

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
→ To get to the other slide!

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!" The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?" Confused, the bartenders says no. "Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

Why do bees buzz?
→ Because they can't whistle!

Can bees fly in the rain?
→ Not without their little yellow jackets!

Why did the bee started talking poetry?
→ He was waxing lyrical!

What goes zzub, zzub?
→ A bee flying backwards!

What are the cleverest bees?
→ Spelling bees!

What bee is good for your health?
→ Vitamin bee!

What's a bees favorite novel?
→ The Great Gats-bee!

What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell?
→ A hum dinger!

How many bees do you need in a bee choir?
→ A humdred!

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Where do ants go to eat?
→ At a restaurant!

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
→ Antteneye!

What do you call an ant with frogs legs?
→ An antphibian!

What kind of ants are very learned?
→ Pedants!

What do you call a smart ant?
→ Elegant!

What do you call an ant who can't play the piano?
→ Discordant!

What kind of ant is good at maths?
→ An accountant!

How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
→ Ten ants!

If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.