Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What game do four elephants in a mini play?
→ Squash

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

Some distance further down the track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit !"

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
→ Two in the front, two in the back.

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet."

What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
→ An elephant is grey.

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
→ "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
→ The door won't close.

How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
→ There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
→ By the footprints in the butter.

What kind of money to polo bears use?
→ Ice lolly!

Have you ever hunted bear?
→ No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!

How do you start a teddy bear race?
→ Ready, teddy, go!

What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
→ A bear faced lyre!

Why do bears have fur coats?
→ Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
→ A teddy boar!

What should you call a bald teddy?
→ Fred bear!

What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
→ A little bear!

What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
→ Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!

What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
→ Winnie the Pooh!

How do you get an elephant out of the water?
→ Wet.

How do you get two elephants out of the water?
→ One by one.