Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Hickory hickory dock.

The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
But the rest got away with minor injuries

A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said:

- Sorry mate no dogs allowed in here!

The dog said:

- Oh please don't be like that, I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!

The bar man was astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with the dog and it's owner.

After a while the owner went to the toilet and the barman saw his chance for a prank. He said to the dog:

- Would you do me a favor as a wind up, will you go down to my friends bakers shop and order a loaf of bread??

- Sure! - Replied the dog.

The bar man gave the dog a fiver and the dog left.

When the owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw his dog had gone. The barman said:

- It's ok he's gone down to the bakery for me

The owner was livid:

- It IS NOT OK he's never been out on his own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.

The owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the streets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming from an ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's wicked way with a lady poodle.

- ROVER! - Shouted the owner

- You've had me worried sick, what's the matter with you you've never dissapeared like this before!

The dog replied:

- I've never had a fiver before!

Why do frogs have webbed feet?
→ To stamp out forest fires!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

What do mice do when they're at home?
→ Mousework!

Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
→ To a mewseum.

What's the biggest moth in the world?
→ A mammoth!

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate.

- Whatcha doin? - he asked.

Mongo replies:

- My goldfish died and I'm burying him.

- That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it? - asked the neighbor.

Mongo shot back:

- That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:

- Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

"I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim."

A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby.

- Say, farmer. Is that bull safe?

- Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!