Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What was the snail doing on the highway?
→ About one mile a day!

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner he cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked:

- Did I screw up the cooking...?

- No, - the cowboy replied, - you cooked up the screwing.

What's a mouse's favorite record?
→ Please cheese me!

What's the hardest part of milking a mouse?
→ Getting it to fit over a bucket!

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.

It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.

- Oh, thank you! - said the elephant.

- My, pleasure ma'am. - said the sparrow.

- Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask.

The sparrow said:

- Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant.

- Be my guest! - said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.

- OUCH! - said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said:

- Am I hurting you, dear?

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?
→ Reptiles!

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked:

- What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered:

- Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

What squeaks as it solves crimes?
→ Miami mice!

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks. "What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion. "I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."