Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
→ A mosquito stops sucking once you whack it.

What jumps up and down in front of a car?
→ Froglights!

What happened to the glow worm who was squashed?
→ He was de-lighted!

Why do Black widow spiders kill their mates after mating?
→ To stop the snoring before it starts..

A Horse walks into a bar: "Hey buddy," says the bartender, "why the long face?"

What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends?
→ A shepherd.

Two goldfish are in a tank.

One said to the other:

- Do you know how to drive this thing?

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

- First Cow: Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?

- Second Cow: Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?

What do angry rodents send each other at Christmas time?
→ Cross mouse cards!

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

- Rabbi: What are doing here with a dog?

- Bernie: The dog came here to pray.

- Rabbi: Oh, come on.

- Bernie: YES!

- Rabbi: I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple.

- Bernie: Its true!..

- Rabbi: Ok, then show me what the dog can do.

- OK - says Bernie nodding to the dog...

The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie:

- Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says:

- YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!