Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What is a myth?
→ A female moth!

After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were just pets.

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.

The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks:

- What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!

The new truck driver responds:

- I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie.

Why are spiders good swimmers?
→ They have webbed feet!

Why were the flies playing football in saucer?
→ They where playing for the cup!

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner:

- Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!

- Yes, I'm amazed also - came the reply.

- He hated the book.

- I'm in love with my horse - the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

- Nothing to worry about - the psychiatrist consoled.

- Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to.

- But, doctor - continued the troubled patient.

- I feel, ummm... physically attracted to my horse.

- Hmmm - the doctor asked.

- Is it male or female?

- Female, of course! - the man replied.

- What do you think I am...

GAY???

What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple?
→ Worm your way out of that one!

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The Dr said "which position do you use?"

"Doggy style," said dumb shit.

"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.

"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose with a spine-tingling roar.

- Let's get out of here! - said Sauer.

- Go on, if'n you want to - said the other redneck - But Ah'm stayin' for the whole movie!