Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What kind of doctors are like spiders?
→ Spin doctors!

What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python?
→ A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death!

What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?
→ Fake an orgasm.

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that "Cheech" the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

In surprise he asked the ape:

- Why are you reading both those books?

- Well, - said the orang-utang.

- I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother.

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.

The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past:

- Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over £5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn.

The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.

- Oh, you don't want that horse, - said the farmer.

- Yes I do, - said the salesman.

- and I'll give you £10,000 for the horse.

Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation:

- He's yours.

While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked:

- By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?

- Because, - said the farmer.

- He's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life.

Whats the world weakest animal?
→ A toad, he croaks if you even touch him!

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about “normal” tricks.

Well, they said:

- let's try this out.

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command:

- Heel!

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
→ Because their horns don't work.

An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, "How do you breathe out of that thing?"

What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
→ Stalagmice!