Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.' They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' He says, 'Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.' The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.' The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'What the hell,' so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?' The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?'

What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
→ A gerbil shepherd dog!

Girl woke up in the morning after a party and found an Elephant in bed beside her.

She said:

- I must have been tight last night.

The Elephant said:

- You were the first time but second time wasn't so bad.

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

Why do mice need oiling?
→ Because they squeak!

A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages

- An' whut animal would that be ? - he asked the keeper.

- Thats a moose from Canada - came the reply.

- A moose!! - exclaimed the Scotsman.

- Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked:

- Whatcha doing, Tim?

- My goldfish died - replied the boy tearfully, without looking up.

- And I've just buried him.

The neighbor was concerned:

- That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied:

- That's because he's inside your cat.

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.

The teacher held up a picture of a cat.

- What animal is this? - she asked.

- A cat! - said Eddie.

- Good job! Now, what is this animal?

- A dog! - said Eddie.

- Good! Now what animal is this? - she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said:

- It's what your mom calls your dad.

- A horny bastard - called out Eddie.

There was once a wide mouth frog. She had babies and she didn't know what to feed them. She went to the cow, talking with her mouth real wide, she said, "COW, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" The Cow said, "I feed my babies milk." She went on to the horse. Talking with her mouth real wide, she said, "HORSE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" "I feed my babies hay." said the horse. Finally she came to a snake. Talking with her mouth real wide, she said, "SNAKE, WHAT DO YOU FEED YOUR BABIES?" The snake said, "I feed my babies wide mouth frogs." So the frog said, with her mouth really small, "Oh, is that so."

How do you know your kitchen floor is dirty?
→ The slugs leave a trail on the floor that reads "clean me"!