Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What is green, sooty and whistles when it rubs its back legs together?
→ Chimney Cricket!

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer:

- Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?

The farmer replied:

- No, I didn't knowed that.

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said:

- To Memphis.

The cop said:

- I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

The cop said:

- I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis

and to this the farmer replied:

- I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus.

What did the spider say when he broke his new web?
→ Darn it!

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there.

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.

The snail looks up and says:

- What the hell was that all about?

Why do hens lay eggs?
→ If they dropped them, they'd break

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour:

- What's the camel for?

The Sergeant replied:

- Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.

The captain said:

- Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me.

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant:

- BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant:

- Is that how the enlisted men do it?

The Sergeant replied:

- Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.

What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant?
→ Very big worm holes in your garden!

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull:

- I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree - sighed the pheasant - but I haven't got the energy.

- Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? - replied the bull.

- They're packed with nutrients.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorilla's cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day.

- Are you hurt? - she asks.

She replies:

- Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!

What did the slug say to the other who had hit him and run off?
→ I'll get you next slime!