Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
→ He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
→ Lumpy milkshakes!

What is the definition of a goose?
→ An animal that grows down as it grows up!

Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep?
→ She had a crook with her!

What do you give a pony with a cold?
→ Cough Stirrup!

What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on?
→ A horse!

What happens when geese land in a volcano?
→ They cook their own gooses!

What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
→ Streaky bacon!

What is a horse's favorite sport?
→ Stable tennis!

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
→ An udder failure!

What do you give a sick pig?
→ Oinkment!

A Japanese rancher told reporters in Tokyo in July that he herds cattle by outfitting them with pocket pagers (beepers), which he calls from his portable phone.

After a week of training, the cows associate the beeping with eating and hustle up for grub.

What do you call a grasshopper with no legs?
→ A grasshover!

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

- Well - said Mike - You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.

Why was the glow worm unhappy?
→ Because her children weren't that bright!

What insect lives on nothing?
→ A moth, because it eats holes

How do stones stop moths eating your clothes?
→ Because rolling stones gather no moths!

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.

His tears are streaming down his cheeks.

An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.

- What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?

- It's mean! - the boy sniffed

- My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!

- That's awful indeed! - the lady replied angrily

- Your father is a real bastard!

- Yes - said the little boy

- He had promised to me that I could do it.

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom& Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

- Oh, no laundry - the boy said.

- I'm going to wash my dog.

- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him. But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

- Oh, he died - the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was sorry the dog died but added:

- I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.

Well, the boy replied:

- I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.

- Oh? What was it then?

- I think it was the spin cycle!