Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was dead.

Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was stapled to the monkey.

This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state, really bad now.

- Doctor: What happened to you?

- I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!

- But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and couldn't cause that much damage!

- Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.

"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.

"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

We've all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Where would you put an injured insect?
→ In an antbulance!

After years with a psychiatrist, a man who thought he was a dog was declared cured. A friend asked him how he felt now. The former patient replied, "Fine! Just feel my nose."

What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?
→ A jet setter!

What do dogs have that no other animal has?
→ Puppy dogs!

Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?
→ Because he was short and couldn't reach any higher!

Where do Eskimos train their dogs?
→ In the mush room!

Why did the snowman call his dog Frost?
→ Because frost bites!

What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
→ An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!

What do you call an alcoholic dog?
→ A whino!

What is the difference between Father Christmas and a warm dog?
→ Father Christmas wears a whole suit, a dog just pants!

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
→ When the door is open!

Why don't dogs make good dancers?
→ Because they have two left feet!

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
→ The tusk fairy!

What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
→ An elephant with spare parts!

What's grey but turns red?
→ An embarrassed elephant!

What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
→ Cinderelephant!

When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
→ When it's a baby elephant!

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
→ When your nose touches the ceiling!

What do you call an elephant that flies?
→ A jumbo jet!

What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
→ Nothing, it just let out a little wine!